Why Being Selfless in Motherhood Isn’t Really a Good Thing

Think being selfless is the key to motherhood? Think again. A psychologist explains why selflessness can lead to more negatives than positives (and how to turn it around).

What comes to mind when I ask you, what sort of mom do you want to be? As a psychologist often working with new mothers, here are some of the common answers I hear from the women I work with:

• Kind 
• Caring 
• Loving 
• Helpful 
• Patient 
• Present
• Playful 
• Selfless 

While it is impossible to be any of these all the time, having fundamental values to guide your mothering can be incredibly helpful. Values remind you of what is most important to you, who you want to be, and how you want to show up. 

But the selfless one is problematic and ingrained in many of us.

Being selfless won’t make you the mother you want to be

As mothers, we are conditioned by society to care for others before ourselves and be selfless. We are told that our needs should matter less once we become mothers. We are now the support figures for the rest of the family. 

Where did this “selflessness ideal” come from? 

• Societal expectations
• Messaging in media
• Compliments from strange and friends
• Engrained since childhood

When I became a mother, I began noticing this societal expectation of mothers everywhere. I heard it in compliments, comments from strangers, movies, and even in my mother’s group. 

It was clear. Being selfless meant you were a ‘good mother.’ 

Yet, it didn’t start in motherhood. It started long ago with little girls being taught to be ‘good girls.’

• Don’t take up too much space
• Don’t be too loud
• Don’t be too showy or confident
• Always follow the rules
• Don’t question authority
• Put others’ needs first

It isn’t surprising that when we become mothers, many of us have unintentionally internalized this belief that being a mom means we should be selfless. After all, good girls become good mothers. 

Selflessness is not serving you or anyone else

So, where does this selflessness belief get us? Not very far. It doesn’t help those around us either. 

Being selfless means that we are giving up our boundaries. It is saying that others matter more than us. Other people’s needs matter more than ours. Our value is less than others’.

We churn through our emotional and physical resources if we are only giving and not tending to our needs. This leaves us depleted, exhausted, and possibly resentful.

We are of little help to our kids or anyone when we act selflessly all the time. 

While caring for others is lovely and an integral part of motherhood, it is tough to do when you are so far down your priority list that you have nothing left to give. 

Selflessness makes it harder to be caring, loving, playful, or any of your other values as a mother. 

We also burn out.

Burnout doesn’t make us kinder or more helpful. It does the opposite! It puts us in survival mode, and we become more selfish and have much less to give to anyone else. 

It makes us snappy, unplayful, and impatient moms – or at least that is what it does to me. So, selflessness doesn’t even really work in the way we hope it will or that society has made us believe it will. 

Those around us don’t benefit. No one does. Ourselves included.

The positive impacts of ditching selflessness

So how can we deeply benefit our families? From us ditching this unhelpful belief and valuing ourselves instead. 

Everyone wins when mothers value themselves and prioritize their well-being. It is the best thing they can do for themselves, their families, and everyone around them. 

Why? Because they have the energy, health, and stamina to show up for their kids. 

By ditching selflessness, mothers also become role models for self-care, healthy boundaries, and valuing oneself, which is essential. 

Our kids grow up seeing that these actions are normal parts of being human and never have to re-learn that they matter as adults like many of us have had to.  

How to challenge the ‘selflessness in motherhood’ narrative

If you are ready to shed this belief and begin valuing yourself, you can work through the process here. 

1. Let go of the unhelpful belief
2. Consider where the belief may have come from
3. Decide if this belief is helpful to you or not
4. Notice when the belief is popping up
5. Decide to start valuing yourself

1. Let go of the belief that selflessness equals a good mother

First, clarify the belief. Name it. Maybe it sounds something like, “Good moms are selfless and always put others first.” 

Sometimes, becoming aware of previously unconscious beliefs is enough to shift them. But often, it takes a bit more than that. If a belief influences your thinking and actions, it has likely been with you for quite some time – often many years, even decades. 

So, it isn’t surprising that shaking it can take a bit of work.

2. Next, consider where this belief may have come from

Ask yourself, “Is this my belief or someone else’s?” and “Where did I pick it up from?” 

Someone else could be from a friend, parent, media, or society. You may be unclear exactly where it came from. For instance, many beliefs are internalized during childhood. 

Still, we aren’t sure of who or what exactly cemented such belief for us. It doesn’t matter if you clarify if this belief is yours or from an external source. 

3. Decide if this belief is helpful for you or not

Ask, “Do I want to keep this belief and let it influence my decisions and actions?” 

If yes, continue letting the belief guide you. 

If not, then letting it go is an excellent place to be. But letting go of beliefs isn’t a one-and-done thing. Beliefs have often been with us for years, so dropping them takes time and intention. But this clarity is a critical starting place. 

4. As you go about your days, notice when this belief is popping up 

You can say to yourself, “Ah! There is that ‘moms should be selfless’ belief again! I notice you, but I will not listen to you today. You are not mine, but society’s. It is unhelpful for me to let you guide what I do anymore.” 

Then, go about your day how you want – not how the belief pressures you to act. 

You can also replace it with a new belief, such as good moms caring for themselves and their family. Remind yourself of this new belief when you notice the old, outdated one arise.  

5. Decide to start valuing yourself

By ditching the unhelpful belief, you are already starting to value yourself more. But you can continue to get clear on why you must love yourself. You can do this by talking to friends or a therapist, writing it out, or meditating. 

Consider the following questions to get you started: 

• “Why is it important that I take care of myself?” 
• “How do my kids benefit from me caring for myself alongside caring for them? 
• “How does my partner benefit from me prioritizing myself more?”

I enjoy everything about my life more when I care for myself. I am a much nicer person to be around when I let go of trying to live up to the unhelpful societal belief of being selfless. 

That benefits my husband and everyone around me. 

My kids get a better mom – not a perfect or ‘good mom’ – but a better real mom. I am more playful, present, and less resentful. I can care for them even better because I am also taking care of and valuing myself. 

Your turn. 

Let go of the belief that selflessness is a good thing. Value yourself. And begin noticing what positive effects this has in your life. 

Interested in diving deeper into your beliefs around motherhood? Wanting to move out of postnatal depletion and enjoy matrescence and motherhood instead? Check out my book The Motherhood Reset and my program of the same name to help you on this journey.